Is old really ‘Gold’?

Just had a great conversation with an old friend. ‘Friend’. Such a casual term. Things that were said got me thinking. Did i lose touch with something really great?

Never again.

Artsy Fartsy.

Aside from spending time with the people that matter to me, there are two things that I feel make me possibly the happiest person alive. Music && Dance.

When I’m playing, listening, composing (on the very very rare occasion i get bursts of creativity), for even a split second I’m immersed in thoughts of what music means to me, and how much I love it ; the pleasure I get from listening/playing/composing music is immense, and it means so so much to me,  too much for words to even describe.

Dance provides me with an opportunity I thought i’d never get. Reluctant to start from the very beginning, I thank my mother from the bottom of my heart, for this amazing skill I’ve been taught. Nothing tops the feeling just before you’re abt to embark on stage – it is like a journey, as a different character, different feelings, different thoughts, different speech through movements (catching my drift?) – the adrenaline rush is INSANE. It’s easily the best feeling in the world, and I highly doubt anything would really change or alter my love for this dance form at all.

Thank you for everything you’ve taught me, told me, and not told me. Music and Dance are my life, along with you, of course.

Future.

The future is a scary concept. Even more so, when you have not the faintest idea what you’re doing with your life, or what Fate has planned for you. I sometimes find myself questioning..myself. I wonder whether there really is a plan out there for you, and if there is, I then find it useful to worry abt when it will all decide to come together. My head’s in the wrong place, I know this only too well, but I can’t find the strength to face the problems. Everyone around me has pretty much everything sorted, and I know for a fact that if I had even half of their luck in the way things have pulled together for them, I’d be so so so happy.

A friend of mine once wrote they were still unconsoled that the path to their future is being paved. Right now, that sums up exactly how I feel. Oh, along with the occasional pangs of guilt, which i assume come all the time when you’re a student, right? I just don’t know, and if there’s anyone that can overuse those three words, it’s me.

If three’s a crowd, then what’s the fourth?

I hate doing things because I feel obliged to do them. Wouldn’t I feel much happier if I could do things because i wanted to do them? I know I would, no question, I just sometimes find myself stuck, feeling like a bit of an outsider when I’m around certain friends. I feel like i’ve missed out, and the sentence ”..you missed it!” (which I heard countless amounts of times today) helps in no way at all.

I often find myself wondering whether I actually count certain people as friends, whether I can see myself in their company in the future. Sometimes I end up lying to myself, in desperate attempts to make myself feel better, when the whole time, the bitter truth is staring me in the face. I don’t feel myself sometimes, I dont feel free to express my feelings – in this way, can I call them friends? And what exactly is a true friend? I feel so lost…

I feel there’s alot I’ve missed out on, alot of which seems pretty unimportant really. But it’s just the thought of spending time with..them. I feel so different, so, unlike them.

I guess I just don’t know.

Night Blogging.

Well, this is all slightly new to me. The idea of blogging has been on my mind for a while now – finally got round to sorting one out for myself. Maybe I can clear my head of the thoughts that play on my mind all day, or maybe this is just an excuse to waste time on the ‘puter. Either way, there’s alot i’m always thinking of, an I thought I just needed to get it down, away from prying eyes of the people I know – who I know mean well – but I feel this is something a little more personal.

 

It’s 11:46pm, Sunday 12th July, 2009. Just finished writing a plane letter to a friend who’s flying out tomorrow; it’s not the greatest thing i’ve ever written, but it shall suffice. It was a last minute request so I thought why not? 

Quite liking this blogging idea already, just pondering whether it actually helps clear the mind, shift a load an all that jazz. I guess only time will tell! Inspired by a few people might I mention – I shan’t give names, but i’m sure i’ll remember them, they seem like very inspired, spiritual, grounded, firmly rooted individuals. A thought/quote on principles comes to mind. I just wish I knew them better. Oh! More thoughts, more guilty feelings. Don’t you hate those ‘told you so’ type conversations/quotes. I guess I should really act on them more readily.

Time for bed methinks. (You mean, time to think abt things, and yet again, not come to any conclusions..?)

Yeah, that’s the one. >_<

Goodnight.